There’s a magical moment when your wife first discovers she’s going to be a mom. In that moment, she’s joyful, grateful, and oh so beautiful. She’s absolutely radiant.
But that moment quickly gives way to the horrifying problem that lies ahead, when all she can think is: How am I ever going to keep this pregnancy from my drunk friends for the next 12 weeks or so?
I’m not talking about her best girlfriends here. I’m talking about those gossip-hungry bitches who will know something is up the minute they notice she’s not drinking like the trainwreck they’ve always known her to be. These are the very lasses she’s trying to keep the pregnancy from in the first place.
We, the husbands, boyfriends, and unintentional fathers-to-be, can provide a critical service during this trying time. Here are five ways you can help your significant other hide her pregnancy from her drunk friends.
Get yourself drunk enough, and you’ll do two things: 1) Put all the attention on you, and 2) Give your wife a number of legitimate excuses for not drinking herself into oblivion (i.e., she had to take care of your sorry ass, she had to be the designated driver, etc.).
But take your time. This is important. Sure, you could go to a bar, do a bunch of shots, and force an early exit, but what fun is that? Plus, by drinking so heavily so fast, the chances of doing something to cause a legitimate fight increase exponentially.
A better approach: Always order two of the same drinks, one for you and one for her. Have a sip of hers (i.e., chug excessively) when no one’s looking. When it comes to shots, ensure the mother-of-your-future child is always holding a half-filled beer bottle so she can “coyote ugly” the Fireball.
(If you don’t know what that means, you now have a very good reason to watch the David McNally masterpiece about aspiring songwriter Violet Sanford, who comes out of her shell thanks to a NYC bar and its sexy staff of wild and crazy bartenders. Three stars.)
You can also text her every time people mention shots so she can conveniently be in the bathroom. If people ask questions about the bathroom trips, give convincing answers: “IBS is this condition where…”
It would be weird if your wife said she took some Molly by herself and met the gang for drinks, right? But if you’re involved, the move becomes understandable – and even a bit romantic. Some of her friends may even start to question why they never do fun stuff with their significant others.
At the very least, they’ll respect your wife’s decision not to mix booze with hardcore drugs as a sign of maturity. Maybe someday she’ll even make a great mom!
I’m not advocating violence. Done correctly, you can get thrown out of a bar without taking any blows to the face. It doesn’t take much to get tossed, especially if it’s a mid-to-upscale joint frequented by patrons in their late-20s to mid-30s.
The key: Make yourself look crazy. For example, purposely bump into a smaller, non-threatening-looking gentlemen and start screaming, “You stepped on my wingtips, bro! These are brand new wingtips!” Then, give a light shove, punch your own face and/or chest repeatedly, and scream: “Not the night to mess with me, Stevie Baby (get creative here)! Not tonight!” Nine times out of 10, a bouncer will escort you out before the situation escalates further.
Let’s say you’re not at a bar or a club. You’re at a great little Tapas place. The above methods simply won’t cut it. But if you can get the whole table’s attention and tell a story that ends in you openly weeping, people won’t notice your wife’s lack of drinking.
Anybody can cry on command with the right tools. For me, those tools are a few dabs of lip balm under the eyes and a conjuring of that moment in “Grey’s Anatomy” when Meredith discovered the John Doe was none other than Dr. George O’Malley, her George. It gets me every time.
(Yes, I’m an avid fan of Grey’s, and yes, my friend Justin and I were going to start a podcast called “Guy & Grey’s” until we found out about the stupid “Gilmore Guys.”)
If you need to create a diversion fast, there are few quicker, more effective tactics than this. After exiting, suggest a non-drinking option, like a food truck or diner.
But isn’t this a felony? Actually, in most states, the first offense is merely a misdemeanor. Plus, only around 23 percent of bars have working surveillance cameras, according BroFacts.org. A 77 percent chance of getting away with something you’d probably only get a misdemeanor for anyway is well worth the risk.
Jared Bilski
Author