You may be at work, at home, or in a waiting room when the mental video clip starts rolling – the one highlighting the slights behind that grudge you hold tight. Painful memories cycle before your mind's eye, reminding you of just how justified your grudge is – from the time the relationship-assailant started flinging barbs your way to the final affront that became the proverbial last straw in your association with him or her.
The more your thoughts stir up old wounds, the more you grow from annoyed to seething. The clip ends with you declaring that you are "mad as hell and not going to take it anymore," or some other line-in-the-sand-drawing proclamation. Pulse racing and teeth clenched, you steel yourself to strike back hard if someone dares to utter the overly simplistic suggestion to "just let it go."
Why should you "let it go" when you've been wronged and, potentially, wronged for a long time by a relative, friend, or co-worker?
Well, you may just want to let go of your grudges, not for the sake of letting the offenders off the hook, but to stop the damage that grudges can cause to your emotional and physical well-being. Moreover, reclaiming your sense of wellness helps to ensure that of your children's, who are watching the way you handle adversity and taking cues from you on how to manage their own conflicts.
Holding onto grudges hurts you, emotionally and physically
On the surface, nursing a grudge can feel like the right thing to do. After all, grudges signal that someone has crossed a line with us, that our dignity matters, and that we had the strength to stick up for ourselves, either by distancing ourselves from the offender or being guarded and combative whenever the offender is near. However, once we shed the armor of our indignation, we find that holding a grudge doesn't heal the underlying injury. In fact, stewing over past slights causes us to remain stuck in feelings of anger, resentment, and vengefulness. These feelings of unforgiveness then compound the emotional harm by leading to anxiety, depression, or stress which, in turn, can cause us to approach new relationships with defensiveness and distrust. Moreover, the negative feelings sustained by our long-held grudges can take an enormous toll on our physical health. Research has found that people who maintain long-term grudges experienced higher rates of a host of ailments, namely: heart disease, cardiac arrest, high blood pressure, stomach ulcers, arthritis, back problems, headaches, and chronic pain. Given this profound mind-body connection, holding onto a grudge (no matter how seemingly justified) is not worth the damage to our relationship with others, our emotional well-being, or our physical health. If that isn't reason enough to let go of our rancor toward a transgressor, consider that the harmful effects of long-standing grudges also hurt those we most want to protect: our children.Our grudges negatively affect our children, too
Choosing to nurse a grudge can induce such stress and depression that it can negatively affect the way we parent our children. "Make no mistake, parental stress has an impact on kids," advises Katie Hurley, a child and adolescent psychotherapist who notes how often her young patients tell her how stressed-out their parents are. In particular, stressed parents exhibit less patience with their children and are quicker to yell at them. Stressed parents are also quicker to yell at each other, at times within earshot of the children. As a result of this heightened tension in the home, children experience their own stress, anxiety, and other negative emotions. If your grudge is also causing you to be depressed, consider that studies have shown that depression negatively affects our parenting, as well. Depressed parents are less emotionally engaged with their children and less likely to adequately socialize children. This, in turn, puts the children at a disadvantage in achieving normal emotional development. Even if a parent isn't stressed or depressed by a grudge, the time that a parent spends dwelling on a grudge means less time spent on fostering an emotionally positive home for a child. According to Dr. Gail Gross, a family and child development expert, emotionally engaged parents who create a home that is "deliberately filled with warmth" enhance a child's emotional well-being, temperament, and ability to cope with stress. Aside from being impacted by a parent's disposition, children are also significantly influenced by the way their parents interact with others. Children watch how their parents react to difficult people, and often imitate parental behavior when they find themselves in similar situations. This is a sobering thought for any parent bent on maintaining grudges. Considering the influence we have as parents in shaping our children's emotional well-being and behavior, it is incumbent upon us to serve as better examples by adopting an attitude of forgiveness.What forgiveness is and what it isn't
Whether you decide to forgive your transgressors for your children's sake, your own sake, or because of your spiritual beliefs, forgiveness does not mean excusing the harm done to you. Forgiveness also does not require associating with the person who harmed you. Instead, forgiveness means consciously choosing to let go of hostility towards an offender, whether or not the person apologized, for the sake of moving on from the offense. Importantly, as you shift your thinking away from anger and toward forgiveness, you will stop viewing your past through the lens of how you've been victimized. Adopting a forgiving attitude brings with it significant benefits. Among them:- Reduced anxiety, stress, and depression
- Lower blood pressure
- Improved hearth health
- A stronger immune system
- Reduced hostility toward others
- Improved self-esteem
- Healthier relationships
- A greater sense of peace, hope, and joy
- More restful sleep
