Divorce is never easy. In fact, it may be the hardest thing you ever do. It marks a significant shift in family dynamics, often accompanied by emotional upheaval and logistical challenges. However, there is one thing every parent must realize, and it’s a universal rule: your children didn’t ask for this divorce. For this reason, parents are obligated to make the process as easy and smooth as possible for the kids.
As a family law attorney for 25 years, I can tell you with absolute certainty that the families who thrive post-divorce are the ones that make compromises and think creatively about solving problems – not creating them. While my primary job is to guide clients through the legal aspects of divorce, I also consider it my duty to help establish co-parenting frameworks and offer suggestions to ease life after divorce. This article offers guidance for parents, drawing on insights from my experience with hundreds of cases and clients.
The period following a divorce is a time of adjustment for everyone involved. Let’s not pretend that it isn’t – and we certainly owe the children of divorce a degree of honesty. No, this is not going to be seamless or perfect – there are going to be bumps in the road, but we’ll get through them. Some children might adapt quickly, while others may take longer to process the changes. For those children who need a little time adjust – remember to be patient. They did not ask for the divorce; they were forced into it, so allow them to process the change at their own pace.
If you have a child struggling to adjust to time at the other parent’s home (usually not the marital home), work with your co-parent to come up with ideas to make the transition smoother. This could be something as simple as decorating a room or reminding your child that he or she has friends in that neighborhood as well. Don’t assume all hope is lost if your children don’t adjust quickly. As the saying goes, time heals all wounds.
If challenges persist or your child seems withdrawn, don’t be afraid to ask for help. Even if you don’t think the change requires individual psychotherapy, it does take a village. Reach out to your child’s school counselor, teacher, or coach. Let them know what’s going on and ask that they keep an eye out. While we’d love to think our children tell us everything, they don’t. Sometimes they’re more willing to open up to a trusted third party – and that’s okay. As long as they’re talking to someone, at least they’re talking. If you or your child’s school counselor has greater concerns, of course, consult a therapist.
Remember, signs of a child’s struggles aren’t always obvious. In one case I handled, a child significantly acted out in school on transition days. It didn’t matter whether the child was transitioning to mom or dad, or whether it was a Wednesday or Friday – transitions were tough. My colleague and I – along with help from the child’s guidance counselor –
came up with a plan for both parents to be present for transitions (not just a hand off in a parking lot, but a thoughtful exchange with encouragement and love). While it took a few weeks, this approach made a huge difference.
Consistency is essential for children’s well-being, especially after a divorce. Well-crafted custody agreements and parenting plans play a vital role in creating this stability. These documents outline the specifics of custody arrangements, visitation schedules, and decision-making responsibilities. While each family’s situation is unique, some general strategies can help build consistent routines.
Kids feel comfortable and safe knowing where they’ll be and when. That said, sometimes flexibility is key. For example, in one case, a 14 year-old son loved watching football with this dad, but the schedule heavily favored mom. When the boy’s favorite NFL team played on a day he was with mom, she reached out to dad and arranged for their son to watch the game with him. Not only was the boy ecstatic, but the sweet gesture went a long way with dad as well.
As kids get older, especially teenagers, their social lives can complicate schedules (trust me, my teenage son’s plans go through 12 iterations before they fall apart all together). If your teen wants to watch the varsity football game on a Friday night when he or she is supposed to be at dad’s house far away, consider letting them stay with mom and head to dad’s the next morning. The goal is to put your child’s happiness and stability first.
While some matrimonial attorneys are quick to recommend psychotherapy for all, I prefer to take a more tailored approach. Therapy can be invaluable for adults and children who need it. Sometimes, however, minor struggles can be addressed through patience and support. Encourage your children to spend time with their friends, play sports, or engage in hobbies. Suggest that they talk to their school counselor, an aunt, uncle, or a friend. If they’re complaining, that’s actually a good sign – it means they’re expressing themselves. It’s worse is when they don’t talk about it at all, that’s what can lead to problems down the road.
So, start with the basics – but of course – if problems persist or become more serious, consult a professional. And here’s the thing about therapy to remember: it’s an incredible tool to be used as needed. Some children may benefit from a few sessions to process their emotions, while others may require ongoing support.
Assuming the issues are not serious, and mental health concerns are not present, encourage therapy – but don’t mandate it. I have had too many cases where mandated therapy made a child feel worse, not better. Like everything else, as long as the issues are not serious – feel your child out and take it at his or her pace.
Keep it simple, folks. Children adapt to schedules better than their parents sometimes. The majority of issues I have seen in my work are easy to avoid. For instance, shared custody can be a horror if your parents are constantly forgetting your baseball gear and you have to run back to dad’s house to pick it up 10 minutes before a game – or, if your left your iPad at mom’s and need it for school. To avoid this, invest in duplicate items where practical or create a transition checklist. A short list by the door, including essentials like an iPhone charger, toiletries, or a retainer, can make transitions smoother.
Better time management is also crucial. If transitions occur on school mornings, wake your kids 15 minutes earlier to ensure they’re not rushing out the door unprepared. A little planning can go a long way toward reducing stress for everyone involved.
Divorce marks a significant change, but with effective legal planning and cooperative co-parenting, families can thrive. Creating new routines, fostering open communication, and prioritizing children’s well-being are essential steps in building a healthy post-divorce dynamic. Practical organization and thoughtful planning are also key to success. Remember guys, you’re the parents, you’ve got this!
Gus Dimopoulos, Esq.
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