When my oldest son was in second grade, he was assigned a dinosaur diorama project. So I found an old shoe box and other assorted materials and let him build away. The result was a reasonable facsimile of prehistoric times – for an eight-year-old, that is.
Several weeks later, I attended a parent-teacher conference and noticed the projects on display. Most were exceptional – meticulous, detailed, beautifully designed. In other words, not the work of second-grade children. When I asked if other parents, perhaps, had played a role, the teacher just sighed. Yes, most of the parents completed the projects along with their kids... or even for their children. She had come to expect this.
I was stunned. Partly by my own naivete, but mostly by the extent of parental involvement. Why was it so critical that their children excel – even on such a relatively minor project?
Much has been written about the importance of building resilience in children, allowing them to fail, and knowing when to stand back and let them struggle. Jessica Lahey, for example, describes parents who insist that their children can do no wrong and who rescue them from any sign of a struggle. Other commentaries also highlight the benefits of learning from failure, struggling with challenging work, and building resilience.
Experience with failure can cause emotional pain, especially if it is viewed as shameful, as a generalized sign of incompetence, or a signal that nothing will improve. Too many adults have been traumatized or shamed by failures of their own, and hope to shield their children from hurt. Yet, if failure is framed as a normal part of growth and development, and as an opportunity for learning and self-awareness, its negative effects are reduced.
As parents, we can help children learn that failure is a normal part of life – it happens to all of us: when we burn the waffles, when we forget our friend’s birthday, or even when we lose an account at work. We can role model how to accept these failures without shame, learn from them, and make changes so that we behave differently in the future.
We can show our children that we are not crushed by failure, even if we feel frustrated or disappointed. We can demonstrate how to acknowledge our role in situations, how to sort out what needs to change, and when to ask for assistance if we can’t solve the problem ourselves.
We can encourage healthy independence in our children. While headlines comparing “helicopter” and “free-range” parenting make good press, most parents rarely fall into these extreme camps. Most choose a middle ground and learn what battles to pick, when to intervene, and that some bumps along the way will help children build resilience and confidence. Finding that balance is never easy, but here are several points to keep in mind:
