If you're a mom, this has probably happened to you. Your adorable little one decides to throw the tantrum of their life just when you're at a family gathering, in the park or at the supermarket. There they are, lying on the floor, crying desperately, screaming and kicking. Obviously, everyone around has noticed and you don't even want to look because you can already feel their stares. No matter how much you assure yourself that you don’t care about what others think, you can't avoid feeling uncomfortable. Will they think you're a bad mom? That you can’t discipline your child? That your little one is badly behaved?
You try reasoning with them, calming them down, distracting them, but everything you do just seems to escalate their anger. You start to feel desperate. You can’t think clearly, and you're not sure how to handle the situation. Do you give in to their tantrum just to calm them down? Or do you stay firm so they learn that there are limits?
Tantrums are hard to deal with, and it's natural for moms to feel frustrated and embarrassed. But it's important to understand that these outbursts are not a reflection of poor parenting; in fact, they are a completely normal part of child development. They tend to occur especially between the ages of 2 and 4, when children are starting to explore their independence but still lack the vocabulary to express everything they feel. So, beyond knowing how to handle a tantrum to avoid public embarrassment, we can begin to view them as a valuable opportunity to teach our children about boundaries and emotional regulation.
If a tantrum catches you off guard and you don't know what to do, it will be very hard to stay calm and think clearly in the moment. Having a plan of action for when you face these situations will prevent you from being caught unprepared. Knowing in advance what to do when a tantrum occurs will give you more confidence and calmness when the moment arrives.
Yes, it’s an uncomfortable situation and staying calm requires a lot of strength. Breathe. Remember that your little one is not being “bad,” they are simply a child learning how to express and manage their emotions. Your tone of voice plays a very important role at this moment. Speaking in a calm and soothing tone will help both of you regulate your emotions.
If they’re in the middle of a tantrum, they won't listen to you. No matter what you say, there's no reasoning with them at that moment. When they're in the middle of the meltdown, the most important thing is to stay with them and contain the situation. Hold them firmly and take them to a safe place where they can continue crying, such as a bathroom, a patio or the car.
Don't threaten to leave, ignore them, laugh at them or scold them, because that will only scare them and make them feel worse. They need you to take control and teach them how to deal with those overwhelming feelings. It's very important that you stay with them so they can feel your presence and support. This will give them confidence, show them that emotions can be managed even when they're intense, and let them know you will always be there for them no matter what. Wait for them to calm down. It will feel like an eternity, but be patient—the tantrum will pass.
Think about what might have triggered this response. Try to put yourself in their shoes. Are they hungry or tired? Do they want something? Only after they’ve calmed down, name and validate what they’re feeling. This doesn't mean you give in to the tantrum, but rather that you help them understand what happened and teach them that their emotions are valid and have a place. Use clear and simple language. For example: “You’re upset because I didn’t buy the candy you wanted. It’s normal to feel that way when we don’t get what we want. Sometimes we feel sad or frustrated when something we wish for doesn’t happen. Do you feel that way?”
Help them learn from the experience and move on. Let them know that it's okay to be angry, scared, sad or disappointed, but that there are also limits and ways to behave. Then, offer options to redirect their attention in a way that gives them some control. For example: “Remember, there are no sweets before meals. What can we do to help you feel better? Would you like a hug or do you want to play something you like?”
Handling the situation with empathy, love and respect will be one of the most powerful tools you can give your child for life. It can be tough, but you are raising a human being who will have the emotional strength and confidence to face challenges. Trust yourself and rest assured that next time, you’ll do better."
Tere Medina
Author